After the Altar
by Cyndy Cerbin

Plan your marriage before you plan the wedding.

Fifty years ago, advice to young brides was simple: have dinner on the table on time, don’t complain, keep your hair and makeup looking nice and hand a drink and the newspaper to your husband when walks in the door. He has, after all, had a very rough day. Oh, how times have changed. Not only do today’s young couples reject those oldfashioned gender roles, the factors that determine their happily-ever-after are more complicated than ever. Should we both work? When should we have children—if we have them at all? How much do we spend and how much do we save? What can we do to make our marriage last forever?

There are no one-size-fits-all answers. But the experts agree that if partners don‘t have those tough discussions, and don’t reach some level of agreement, the health of their marriage could be compromised. Just like maintaining a healthy body, maintaining a healthy marriage takes work. Love, infatuation, chemistry—they’re important, but not enough to withstand the tough times. Experts at the Pastoral Institute in Columbus have studied the impact of marriages on the health of the community. As a result, they’ve launched a program called “Right From the Start,” which includes premarital counseling classes for couples who want to enter their new lives together with eyes wide open. In a series of three two-hour sessions, participants learn how to communicate, plan their financial future and work through their differences.

“Learning how to communicate was most important to me,” Right From the Start participant Jill Bradley said. “How to pinpoint negative communication, how to recognize escalation.” Fiance Devin Caywood added, “Sometimes just by knowing the words, you can tell when it’s happening and do something to stop it right there. This has changed the way we speak to each other.”

The inaugural class was taught by three PI executives—Ron King, John Adams and Fran Magoni—who have more than 100 years of marital experience among them. But that’s not all they draw from.

“The model we’re using is research based,” Right From the Start Director Magoni explained. There’s a significant amount of academic research that has gone into this. The skills learned here are transferable no matter what your faith.”

PI Executive Director Dr. Ron King warned the group that no amount of lecturing will prepare them for all they‘ll have to face. “This is not like an inoculation for smallpox. This doesn’t guarantee you everything’s going to be great,” he said. “Love grows with the work of marriage.”

John Adams of the Turner Ministry Center echoed the sentiment. “They say a good marriage is 50/50. That’s not true, it’s 100/100. Everybody has to give 100 percent.”

Many of the counseling class participants grew up in broken homes. Determination not to repeat those failures is what drew them to the class. “I will work my butt off if our marriage starts going in the pit,” Bradley promised, “because divorce is not an option.”

Divorce apparently is an option for many couples. In Georgia, at least 50 percent of married couples give up striving for wedded bliss. That’s one of the highest divorce rates in the southeast.

Of course, some parents are positive role models. “My parents did a lot of things together, so we try to do that, too,” Stephen Reddish said. “They also did things without each other, so I learned how to trust my partner because I see it can work when you’re not together every minute.” The Pastoral Institute executives are optimistic about today’s young couples, and encouraged that they’re taking premarital counseling classes voluntarily. “I think they’re more aware of what they’re bringing to the marriage and what they want from the relationship,” Adams said.

King said the PI is getting widespread help in its efforts to foster healthy marriages. This fall, 105 local pastors signed a covenant agreeing not to perform marriages without a minimum of six hours of premarital counseling. “We hope the norm in five years in this community is if you’re going to get married, you know that getting pre-marriage counseling is the best way to achieve success,” King said.

Love, Trust, Respect

When Pattie and Skip Davidson were dating in the late ‘60s, premarital counseling was something you did only because the church required it. The counseling was informal and short on detail. Times were simpler then, they say, and they were too naïve to expect any real problems as husband and wife.

Married now 35 years, the Davidsons have been fortunate. They say their marriage has been easy. They met as young teens at a church function, dated each other almost exclusively, modeled their values after their parents’ and surrounded themselves with friends who shared those values.

“We had a good, healthy beginning to our relationship,” Pattie said. “There were no drugs, no alcohol. It was a group of teenagers that respected each other.”

Still, the Davidsons know that a good marriage requires work. “We give each other their space and encourage each other to do what they enjoy doing,” Skip said. Those activities don’t necessarily involve each other. Skip is outgoing and loves parties; Pattie is shy and would rather stay home and sew. Sometimes they’ll go, sometimes they’ll stay home.

“It all boils down to respect for one another, love for one another and trust in one another,” Skip said. “It may sound corny, but it’s true.” The Davidsons, both in their late 50s, are concerned about what they see in many young couples today. “I think a lot of people go into marriage thinking ‘if it doesn’t work I’ll just try something else,’” Skip said. “You have to go into marriage with a commitment that you’re going to make it work.” Pattie recalled her vows. “A marriage is for better or worse.”

Both Skip and Pattie think premarital counseling is a very good idea, particularly in this day and age. “A lot of the things young couples need to know they’re not learning at home. If parents don’t set good examples for them, they need to learn it somewhere.”

Learning the Dance

Kirby and Rob Kaple’s parents were good role models. In more than three years of dating, the young lovers believed they connected on the deepest of levels and were perfectly compatible. But the premarital counseling they received gave them insurance against some of the challenges they couldn’t foresee. “It was the quirky habits that he and I both have that we learned to watch out for,” Kirby said. “Those are things that can easily be overlooked, but those are the things that can make or break an argument.” Like shopping. For Kirby, it’s a hunt-and-bag sport. For Rob, it’s a means to an end. She’s quicker to spend; he’s quicker to save. “Up until we went to counseling,” Rob added, “I think we were more aware of what we had in common, and had not yet confronted our differences. We learned not only what those differences are, but how to navigate them.

“We used to take every argument so seriously, so personally. But we’ve gotten past that. Now we can listen to each other and arrive at a destination rather than getting caught up at every cul-de-sac along the way.”

Rob and Kirby took a test to analyze their personalities. It revealed communication might be their biggest hurdle, just as it is in so many marriages. So they zeroed in on communication skills during their counseling sessions. Rob learned that Kirby likes to dig deep, while he’d prefer to process and move on. Kirby learned she has to stand up to conflict and not walk away from it. “Today when we argue about little things, I remind myself, That’s something I need to be patient about because that’s just something in Rob’s personality,'' Kirby said.

“One of the most important principles we learned,” Rob added, “was seek to understand before you seek to be understood.” The couple have learned to value their differences instead of being annoyed by them. “Six months into our marriage I told Rob, ‘When you use the toothpaste, don’t squeeze from the top, squeeze from the bottom.’ You should have seen the look he gave me!” Thanks to the conflict resolution exercises, Rob found a quick solution: he now buys his own toothpaste.

Humor plays an important part in defusing conflict in the Kaple house. “I heard someone say the key to a happy marriage is a double vanity,” Kirby said. “We don’t have a double vanity.” Rob finishes her thought. “…So we have to work extra hard.”

Rob and Kirby urge other couples to have a strong purpose for getting married. Theirs is ministering to young adults, a passion each had as an individual and now share as a married couple.

Rob and Kirby, both 24 years old, have been married only 15 months. But they’ve clearly learned a lot about what it will take to keep their marriage healthy. “Marriage is a very intricate dance, and we’re still trying to learn it,” Kirby said. “But it’s getting better every year!”

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