I’m starting to hear from people on the street about the lack of recent posts to my blog. Although my regular readers know that no news is generally good news, they’re also interested in what is going on with me. I’m going to be honest about my deepest feelings. But first, let me put it on rewind for a moment.
From my darkest days, back in October after having (Since most people haven’t experienced 29 consecutive days of number 10 pain, I’ll put it in terms everyone can understand.) over $355,000 worth of back surgeries and stereotactic radiosurgeries, I was unable to walk 10 feet without a walker. I went weeks without any measurable sleep and the only sleep I got was in a chair and mostly during the day.
I gave that short glimpse into my world of a few months ago to say this: In my deepest heart of hearts, I didn’t think I was going to live through this cancer. I put on a happy face and by no means did I give up, but after I finished physical therapy, I got lazy about watching what I ate. At a recent office visit with my endocrinologist, Dr. Steven Leichter, he was reviewing my labs and said, “You are in remarkably good health, considering all you’ve been through.” “But,” I said, and he piped right up: “But, you do need to lose about 30 pounds.” I knew it was coming.
There I sat, a lumbering 260 pounds, fatter than I have ever been in my life. I didn’t need one of those stupid assholes who like to tell you that you’ve gained weight to know that I really needed to change my ways. During the past few months when I thought I might be starting my mortality in the face, I took EVERY opportunity to eat steak instead of a rice cake. Every one of them.
Even though when I do die, I will not ride in a casket, I seemed to be secretly packing on the pounds so that I could watch eight of my friends bust a gut hauling me out of a black hearse. I looked at Dr. Leichter and told him that I was mentally ready to do this. Despite the fact that I am exactly one week ahead of my next CT scans, scheduled for Thursday, June 21, I am guardedly hopeful that I have a bunch more living to do. Enough that I can justify making a gallant effort to get some weight off and get back into shape.
I’m 10 pounds down and solidly on a weighwatchers.com program. It is relatively pain-free and I am going to get at least 25 pounds off and then reevaluate how I feel and determine if that is enough. I’m riding my bicycle again and looking forward to getting back in a kayak on the river with my kayak buddies. I’m just in a good place and I am happy to report that.
For those of you who have asked about me, thank you for caring. If you haven’t asked, go to hell.